Call it Black and White, love and hate. There are no greys. I try to find the grey, the in-between and it doesn’t exist. I see in black and white in such rapid succession that it blurs and becomes grey. I preach the gospel of the grey but I’ve never seen it or felt it. “Do as I say, not as I do right?” that was your line. Well there is wisdom there coz I’ve always done the same.
I’m sorry I’m an introvert but as hard as I try I can’t fight my nature. This is the only way I can express myself. Everything else is an act to protect the vulnerable child that will always be a part of me.
You’ve met that child. You’ve seen glimpses of his tantrums and him happily playing. This is the part of me that is capable of love. I wish I met you when I was still him. He wouldn’t hesitate to tell you you’re pretty or hold your hand or run across the room and hug you. He wouldn’t have cared about his pug ugly face or what other people thought of him, he hadn’t been burnt a thousand times over. He would have followed his heart and said all the things that were always on the tip of my tongue. He would have let loose and awkwardly tried to kiss you a thousand time over…
He wouldn’t have cared if you wanted him or not. He wouldn’t have been battling with himself whether or not he should have done something more when his best friend from high school raped someone he cared about. I didn’t want to be the same kind of monster as that vile man.
Unfortunately, the boy who wants to chase you knows nothing of the adult world or the horrible things that happen. He doesn’t know what exists outside the walls of his bedroom. This is all he’s seen.
If our minds are a labyrinth of locked away memories all linked to parts of our personalities, then after years of searching I’ve found the cage I left this child in. We’ve been sending each other messages for a while (me and the kid) and he wants out! He wants to play. I know the demons I have to battle to get this child back and put him in the driver seat. I know the memories he has to unlock to be a more complete person.
I know that if I never met you, I would never have gotten this part of me back. Now I know how to get past the demons that guard him, In fact I’ve already got my sword and shield on the ready. Either way there is a small problem. I can see the child, I can see the demons and I can see the path that leads me to that cage. Even after I slay my demons all by myself, that child is sitting a on a pedestal so high, I will never be able to reach him alone. Now like I said, I have my sword and shield. I’m the strongest I’ve been in a long time. I’m going in for the rescue mission but then what?
Remember, that child was put in a cage for a reason, the demons that guard him exist for a reason and they’ll hunt him down if they notice he’s missing. That child will never survive in this world alone but he will follow you to the ends of the world. He’ll build a spaceship out of lego’s and make it work with magic to make you happy, and he’ll never grow up. I’ll just have to take his place in the cage.
Your mission should you chose to accept it: Rescue the child, let him teach us how to love again.
You’re the only one capable of doing so. The battle-ridden man who types out this message is only a shell. Look into his eyes and you’ll see the ‘real me’. You can start or stop storms, it’s only you who can rescue this boy and make me a better person, a person forged in love and not hate.
Will you join us in this rescue mission?