We have hit a crossroads. What is ‘dating’? Essentially it’s going out with someone. Someone in whom we are romantically (or maybe even sexually interested, given the right pheromones in the air).

We knew that. That one is easy.

We’ve all been there, done that. It’s all a little old hat but one thing is clear: We love to love!

That cute, warm, fuzzy feeling we get inside. It’s the compliments, gazing into each other’s eyes, the smiles you just can’t wipe off your face. Colours seem brighter; flowers smell nicer and our old friend anger – He’s a foreigner that lives on another continent. We say ‘Hi’ to strangers in a chirpy voice and sing along off-key to bad love songs. All of the sudden you’re the happiest person that has ever walked the earth.

I’m sure there are many other emotions that we feel at various stages. Perhaps what I’m trying to say is – you are the best you! It’s so unnatural yet exhilarating.

Ahhh, the good ol’ memories!

So many positives however, I conclude it just is not for me at any cost. We now know I’ve already left one date mid-way. One thing is for sure: My mother will not be happy to hear of my conclusion however, she won’t be surprised either; I’ve been like this her whole life. Ma, I just want you to be proud, that I gave it a chance.

Why do I say it’s not for me? Let me tell you a story…

So, I met this guy right… and we went on a breakfast date. As you do. Words such as ‘Hi’; ‘How’s it going?’; ‘yeah good’; ‘you look great’ were exchanged. Half an hour in and my mind starts wondering if I could match Usain Bolt on track. I can run 3.5 km uphill in approx. 30 minutes by the way. Key word there is uphill and I mean run, not sprint. I’ll let your imagination work out the rest.

I asked myself many times throughout this ordeal, ‘How bad could it get?’ ‘How hard could it be?’

It’s just two people eating & conversing. I do this all the time. Gosh! How things escalated after our meals arrived. I quickly learnt that my date did not know how to use a knife and fork correctly.

Secondly, he ate with his mouth open.

Thirdly, he spoke with his mouth full.

I found myself on battlefield with Ares, the God of war. Trying to shield from the debris his roar had caused. Sadly, I was neither the Godkiller nor the daughter of Zeus. War had begun! Apologies for the dramatic references from Wonder Woman but I just saw the movie. 😐

Let’s be honest, neither of us were going to be sharing wedding vows with those tables manners. I can’t stop thinking about how it’s even possible? I mean, I grew up on an Island. Us Melanesians sit on the ground to eat and use our hands and fingers as cutlery. We can drink soup straight out of a bowl and not make a mess. It’s savagery to the untrained eye but we know how to find our mouths with tools as rudimentary as our hands; a neat little skill to be blessed with.

What I’m trying to say is, if I can manage, then it should be easy for the Irish; Right?

Oh yeah, he was Irish. I must admit, I love the accent. As I was saying, this guy was born and bred to eat with cutlery. His Mom must be ashamed? Was it really necessary to speak with his mouth full as well?

We’ll leave table manners at that…

His fashion choices though. They were horrifying. Where were the fashion police when I needed them the most?

He had green boat shoes on. We know he’s Irish and the Irish love Green. Green tux on St Patricks day – sure!  But Really? Green shoes? I have no doubt he was extremely satisfied with his attire. I on the other hand prefer the simpler black or white. You just can’t go wrong with colours like those and they never go out of fashion. Mother would be shaking her head with dissatisfaction right now but we’ll deal with that issue in perhaps another post.

What I’m about to tell you next is probably the root of the issue and it goes way beyond poor table etiquette. He walked at least a few inches ahead of me. I had noticed he sat down first as well.

‘Whhaaatttt the hell is that all about?’ Does he think he think he’s more superior?

Or was that his way of getting away from me?

No way, that’s not a thought I’d like to entertain. I’m a solid 8 out of 10. I’m god damn hilarious; Giving. In layman’s terms – An all-around awesome human; also, otherwise known as ‘every guy’s dream’.  A few of my friends may or may not agree. That’s somewhat an irrelevant detail though. Love you guys to the moon & back! xoxo.

I suppose what I’m trying to get at is, he’s not my type. Nice guy though. I’m sure he’s got other positive qualities… hidden away somewhere. It’s just not going to be me that finds out. Another Sunday morning wasted. I could have been at the ‘Kokoda Memorial Walk’ climbing the 1000 Steps.

OK Fine! All we’ve heard is me, me, me. Whine, whine, whine!

So, there you go, the positive we can take from this is: another memory added to my collection of misfortunes. #winning



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