You are not the ‘S’ in Dear S. That letter I wrote years ago for a lonely girl I met long before I even found you.
This letter is for you.
The girl whom I gifted a black Cashmere scarf to (I really hope you kept it).
I hope you are well.
Old Taylor Swift songs remind me of you these days, even though I know you aren’t the same person anymore and that’s okay. I’d like to get to know you all over again but that day is far, far away.
There is a slight hitch and I realized it when ‘Bar27_’ posted to Instagram a flattering picture of food… My heart dropped, my pulse raced and I felt like I’d just taken a hit from a crack pipe. All from a notification popping up on my phone. I couldn’t tell if it was because you are my tormentor or my hearts greatest desire. Probably because you are both.
I guess whenever my name popped up on your phone, you felt the same. Or the deep disdain and disgust you express for me (inspite of the subliminal). In either case, as far as whirlwind romances go- you were the best.
We were, at least, for a little while, so infatuated with each other that the smallest of indiscretions ticked us of, yet in the same breath the smallest positive gestures made us feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I thank you for it and I am so sorry that I still think about you- I know I have no right to look at you that way. No one fits in my arms like you did (trust me, I’ve looked, before and since). Nor can anyone ever hush the demons with a simple hug like you do. If only you could’ve fit into my life the same way.
I hope your life is rocketing down the right path and you are learning heaps and having sooo much fun! Thank you for teaching me that I am capable of feeling.
I wouldn’t be who I am today without you.