Inner Child

Let’s talk about that inner child that I keep hidden within. The only time she has come out is when she feels safe, when I let her out.

She stays in this comfortable room, with the teddy her god sister gave her some years back and her precious pillow from 3 years old. I am not very good with words but heck, I am writing, right? I meant I am not very good with description of materialistic stuffs; my comfort level doesn’t lie with things.

She’s special. She has this idealistic view on the world. She thinks the world is all sunshine and rainbows. She hopes the best for everyone. She trusts people easily and doesn’t think there is an evil soul in this world. She thinks that there is goodness in everyone she meets, she just has to know them more to be able to see the goodness. She expects the world to treat her the same way she treats the world. Too idealistic, I know. Someone even introduced the term ‘humanistic view’, it is probably a combination of both. The predicament in that is people won’t understand her view of the world. They will call her naïve and might isolate her. They usually laugh at her.

She likes the nature, sun, clouds, trees. I think her head is in the cloud most of the times. She doesn’t run around but walks in the park are amazing. It calms her down and makes her smile. She LOVES the swing and would probably play it no matter how much her mum restricts her. There is a superstition about playing on swings at night. She doesn’t like restriction. She does it anyway, when her mum is not around.

Has anyone ever seen that girl?

Interestingly, she is also very good at playing hide and seek. Very few of her family members have seen the girl. She comes out sometimes, then shies away when it grabs a lot of attention. She dislikes attention from a large crowd. She yearns to live her life and to do that she needs to leave her comfort zone.

So, what’s stopping her?

It’s me. I stop her from leaving her comfort zone. She is secure now, she is a little girl. Why distort her view of the world with cruelty? I know the world can be cruel. I am a not a child, unfortunately. She is also not immune to pain. She falls down frequently. However, she gets up, dusts off the hurt and keeps running around like she never fell at all.

My deepest fear is that she will fall and hurt herself badly. She might need stitches and have lasting damage. Hence, I have a strong urge to protect her. As an adult, I have moved out of my comfort zone and it hasn’t been easy.

She seems happy in her comfort zone, let her live it that way maybe. She gets really lonely sometimes because she doesn’t have friends to play with. I try to convince her to do other things that keep her happy and distracted from lonely thoughts.

I know I should let her go out and explore. She needs to explore life just as I do. After all, we are one. But I don’t want to make her vulnerable. I know she is bound to get hurt and it is part of life. The problem is I am not ready to let go. I have trust issues. It’s embarrassing to say it out loud but yeah, I have trust issues. I only let her out with people I trust completely. I only let her out with people who are accepting and non-judgmental. There are times I think I can let her out only to have the door slammed on her face by shallow minded people.

She is excited to live her life and leave her comfort zone, one day. I will surely give her that much freedom. When will that happen, no one knows.

Maybe time will tell.