I look out over the city from my rooftop perch. I hear sirens blare and the distant sound of gunfire. These are dark times. Diseased and corrupt, the city cries for help. I gaze up at the sky, and there it is. The symbol of the oppressed; their calling for a savior…
“Why have you summoned me?”
A deep gravely voice growls menacingly behind me. I turn around slowly… it’s him…. Gotham’s Dark Knight…
‘Nana nana nana nana nana nana…’
“What are you doing?”
His deep baritone distracts my wandering mind and I pause mid theme-song. I take a moment to appreciate which version of Batman I’ve stumbled across. I guess he’s not the campy one.
“Mr Batman sir, might I have a moment of your time?”
One might think it inappropriate to use the bat signal in any event other than an emergency, but I had politely asked the Joker to take the night off in-light of my interview with the Batman. He seemed quite taken by the idea and promised not to get up to any mischief while the Bat was distracted. He also mumbled something about a jailbreak at Arkham, whatever that means… I’m sure it’s nothing. But I digress, Batman has cool shit to say.
“My city needs me. There’s a storm coming.”
His decisive demeanour demands my adoration. This is Nolan-Batman meets Miller-Batman, or something. He’s hella-dark!
“I promise this will only take a moment. Please, our readers want to know, why the mask?”
His eyes narrow and he frowns seriously in deep contemplation.
“I wear a mask. And that mask, it’s not to hide who I am, but to create what I am.”
Cool answer, I think. Has Batman ever said anything that wasn’t the coolest thing ever?
“And what are you?”
This guy doesn’t need much prompting.
“I am the reason the criminals breathe easier when the sun rises. Tonight will not be my end, but it will be theirs!”
Fuck yeah! That’s so cool…
“What set you on this path of vigilantism?”
His eyes grow somehow darker and his voice even gravelyer as he recounts his origin story.
“They told me there was nothing out there, nothing to fear. But the night my parents were murdered I caught a glimpse of something. I’ve looked for it ever since. I went around the world, searched in all the shadows. And there is something out there in the darkness, something terrifying, something that will not stop until it gets revenge… Me.”
I nearly wet myself under the continued barrage of epic coolness that is Batman.
“Many people have gone through terrible experiences in their lives, but none have gone to such extremes in search of justice. So why you?”
“There is a difference between you and me. We both looked into the abyss, but when it looked back at us… you blinked.”
“What about the man behind the mask? How has he changed over the years?”
Batman takes a deep ragged breath before delivering that sweet quote from Batman Begins.
“It’s not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me.”
That just about does it. I’m in total euphoria now. Let’s wrap it up.
“Well, I’m sure you’re a very busy man and I don’t wish to take up anymore of your time. Goodnight to you, Mr Batman sir.”
The Batman suddenly rushes past me towards the rooftop ledge, his cape billowing out behind him. Before he leaps, he turns back to deliver one final dose of coolness.
“Tell your friends, tell all your friends I AM THE NIGHT!”
– Empty Chair Interviews