Empty Chair Interview

An Empty Chair Interview with Darth Vader

‘Dah dah dah dun da-da dun da-da…’

I sing along to the Imperial March blaring from unseen speakers as I waltz down the generic retro 70’s sci-fi hallway. I’m accompanied by two anonymous white-armoured Nazi’s… I mean, storm troopers.

‘Move along.’ 

One of them instructs me as we approach our destination. The blast doors open and I am struck with awe at the sight of the vast throne room. The geeky kid inside me is freaking out, but I have to hold it together. I’m here to meet the most infamous villain in all of cinematic history – The Dark Lord of the Sith himself, Darth Vader.

‘KHOOOOH PUUUHRR… KHOOOOH PUUUHRR’

The throne chair swivels around to reveal the Dark Lord in all his nominal glory.

‘We would be honoured if you would join us.’ 

His voice holds the power of a GOD and I feel my legs go limp under its overwhelming force. Just to be in the presence of such an intimidating figure of a madman’s imagination (*cough* Lucas *cough*) is bad enough, but to actually hear him speak… it’s hard to describe such an experience. Despite my loss of cognitive functions, I still manage a cool response…

‘Cheers.’

I take the seat prepared for me, somewhat less extravagant than that of the throne, but at least I can avoid embarrassing myself by collapsing every time he articulates in typical monotonous fashion.

I should admit at this point that I am already aware of why I have been summoned before my all-time favourite fictional villain this day.

It’s because I like him. 

And also because Lord Vader believes he has a story to share which could be of significant contribution to Bantaa91. I aim to please my chief editor’s whims after all, and I can at least provide my own dark lord with an interview with THE Dark Lord.

Our interview begins in typical fashion and he drones on about his aspirations from childhood in becoming a Jedi, and also about some long-lost love-interest of his named Madpe, or Padpad, or whatever, but I quickly lose interest. It’s just all so old-hat, and who amongst us really found the story compelling in the prequel trilogy? At any rate, I tell him as much…

‘I’m sorry Lord Vader, but I just don’t see how this is going to work.’

He seems taken aback by my rejection. Although I can’t see his face, I feel as if he may have actually shed a tear in the following few awkward moments.

‘I find your lack of faith disturbing.’

He responds at last and makes a pincer-like motion with his fingers as if to force-choke me, but this is my interview fantasy and I can use the force too, because fuck you, that’s why. I brush off his feeble attack and continue…

‘We’re just looking for something a little different at Bantaa. I don’t think your story is the right fit. I agreed to meet you, but that’s it.’

‘I am altering the deal, pray I do not alter it any further.’

He doesn’t seem to understand that I’m using direct quotes from the movies, so I hit him with a question he literally can’t respond to…

‘How much wood could a wood-chuck chuck, if a wood-chuck could chuck wood?’

Needless to say, he stares at me blankly (although I suppose he has little option otherwise) and I’m forced to provide a vaguely-related follow-up to continue this post.

‘I cannot guarantee which stories are accepted and featured on the website. I’m only part of the process.’

‘You are part of the rebel alliance and a traitor. Take him away!’

As I’m escorted towards the hanger bay my phone chimes. It’s a text message from the Dark Lord.

‘Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy.’

A tempting offer, but I have plans tomorrow. I text him back a sad emoji and from over the still-blaring loudspeakers I swear I hear a long drawn out cry of

‘Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!’

– Empty Chair Interviews