Empty Chair Interview

An Empty Chair Interview with GOD

I have met so many incredible characters on this Empty Chair Interview adventure: from famous chefs to force-wizards; simpletons to insane clowns; and even ME (#shameless self-promotion).

But nothing could have prepared me for what is going to happen today…

I’ve setup my chairs outside for this particular interview as I have reason to expect some rather spectacular weather this afternoon.

Sure enough, the mild autumn sky gives way to gathering dark clouds, and a trumpeting call sounds from the heavens above…

He’s here!

A bolt of lightening strikes the empty chair in front of me which bursts into flames, yet remains somehow intact.

It’s the big G-man himself… GOD.

If you have read your Bible, dear reader, then you may recall that none can look upon the face of God and live. It is therefore somewhat convenient, and damned, I mean… jolly fitting, that God has chosen to take the form of a burning empty chair today.

“Thank you for joining us today, Mr. God. I do hope your journey to Earth was a pleasant one.”

I await his response in daunting anticipation. What will his first words in over two-thousand years be…?

“…”

“I’m glad to hear it.”

Do keep in mind, dear reader, that God is a bit of a shy fellow. You can only hear him if you’re very, very quiet. And if you still can’t hear him, then I guess there must be something wrong with you, heathen scum!

“It has been so long since anyone last heard from you in such dramatic fashion. Why now have you decided to return to Earth?”

“…”

“Haha, yes I suppose that makes sense. I never liked them much either.”

I must apologise to the above-mentioned group. I don’t really have anything against you, but I would feel a bit foolish questioning God’s judgement. He’s the top-daddy after all, and he was so gracious in accepting my interview request.

“Since your last time on Earth, have you been pleased with the progress we’ve made as a species?”

“…”

“Yeah… on behalf of humanity, I’d like to apologise for that one. Our bad.”

(You know what I’m talking about…)

“…”

“I also wanted to know how your son is doing. I haven’t met him myself, but I’ve heard many great things. How is he?”

“…”

“Oh, that’s too bad.”

It pains me to be the bearer of bad news, dear readers. I’m sure many of you were close to him, but these things unfortunately happen.”

“God, before you leave Earth again for another few thousand years, there’s one last thing that I, and indeed millions around the world are dying to know – what is the meaning of life?”

“…”

I gasp in profound enlightenment. It all makes sense now! All the mysteries; all the tragic irony, answered at last!

“Thank you so much for sharing your words of eternal wisdom with us today, Mr. God. I’m sure this will be a life-changing interview for all who read it down through the ages.”

God vanishes in a puff of imagination. Wow. I guess I’ll have to write a new chapter to the Bible now…

– Empty Chair Interviews

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