I’ll try and make this as quick and concise as possible.

So, I met this girl right? (how does any story like this begin?) She was someone I could only ever meet in my wildest dreams.

In Wolfie Dreams I hinted to a stupidity that most would try and hide. This next story is something very hard to write (actually I knocked it out in one sitting) but a story that needs to be told. You see, I gave up everything that mattered for this person.

A little back story – Wake up you need to make Money!

I had met the girl in January when I was not happy with my job. I had applied absolutely everywhere and landed what seemed like a sweet gig in Melbourne the previous December – A city I always wanted to move to. I like the limestone buildings, the graffiti on the walls, the countless cafes and the fact that you can take a ride out of town on super windy roads. It’s a great city! The job I applied for was with Dwick accounting.

It was a scam. They promised you the world but really didn’t even have a qualified CPA (accountant) on-board. I got off the airplane and got into a taxi where I met Rocky who drove me out to the middle of nowhere. The lodge I was booked into was not flash but I only needed a bed for one night so I could go in for the ‘training’ the next day.

When I arrived at the lodge, I was greeted by an old man. He was mostly deaf and it took a while but I managed to get into my room (which smelt really funny) and took a nap. I was on the phone messaging ‘the girl’ at the time and sent her pictures of the journey. I was meant to bring her along but on such short notice and her obvious hesitation in undergoing such a big trip, I decided it was better to go myself first to scope the place out. I mean, if everything went well we would be moving here just like we talked about.

The next day I caught an Uber and made my way to the “headquarters”. I had read shitty reviews but I was desperate and thought I would give these guys the benefit of the doubt. The interview had gone well and I forked over $200-$300 for all the ‘administration accounts access’. Still doe-eyed, I rocked up to the office that Saturday and there was a huge group of people. A lot of them looked like they weren’t very clever – most foreign but the younger ones seemed just as clueless and suspicious as I was.

The introductions began and then we went through how to fill out BAS returns or something trivial. Except it wasn’t on any ATO portal. It was their own custom ‘in house’ program…which looked a lot like an online form creator. There were tests and all that jazz but the ‘director’ didn’t seem too tuned in, although he did talk a big game. During the first break I spoke to one of the other attendees…

“Did you read the reviews? This place is supposedly very slack”

They all looked at me clueless…I don’t think anyone here had done any concrete research. The banter was fine though. There was this elder gentleman who had lived in Dubai and I had just visited there so we spoke for ages. The second half of the day consisted mostly of how their financing scheme worked. It was very much a pyramid scheme and I had lost faith at this point, yet still a little naïve, I gave Mr. Wick the benefit of the doubt. He said he would be able to mentor me and sign off on my CPA accreditation – which was a bit of a joke seeing as I don’t think he had one himself.

His main concern was about gaining clients in Brisbane to do book-keeping for. Really he wanted some ‘mum and dad’ types and to lodge their taxes using the self-service portal based off form data (which is illegal, might I add). The Xero accounts he had given us were full of bogus information but he was insistent that it was just for training.

Long story short, if it looks wrong, smells wrong, and sounds too good to be true – it probably is…

I spent most of the rest of the day Ubering it to a shopping mall, getting food and going back to pack my bags to head back home as I was booked on the evening flight out. $1200 down the drain in flight tickets, taxi fares and accommodation. I was fucking livid but it I took it in stride and was very cryptic about the entire thing when I got back home.

I immediately started applying for other jobs in Brisbane. I had a girlfriend whom I adored, a sister that I loved and a few okay friends. Brisbane wasn’t that bad – I just needed a better paying job with a lot more recognition (both praise and money) for the amount of effort I put in. You can’t really spend your nights running around on the streets to sustain a decent lifestyle. I mean it’s fun and the cash is good if you have good clients but “night-time consulting” as I liked to call it, was not for me.

I did it to make friends mostly, which I did. It was fun. I made enough cash to fix up the car and splurge on a few good meals; nothing too over the top. In reality if I did the math more accurately, I was not making much extra with these night-time escapades but it was nothing to scoff at when your primary income still falls under the tax-free threshold.

My primary job wasn’t bad though. There were perks like really good hours if you planned your days correctly, and I was allowed to bring on-board a friend to help out here and there. I liked the freedom and autonomy. The money was still shit though; the experience however, I still maintain was invaluable.

Business however was not going that well. Any suggestions I made fell on deaf ears and eventually I stopped giving a shit. It just wasn’t worth it. A particular co-worker was able to get away with doing the bare minimum and would constantly complain to upper-management, suppliers and customers about increases in prices along the lines of:

“the Indian boy doesn’t know what he is doing, he’s so mean to me, blah blah blah.”

Needless to say it got to me…

I was the only person putting any effort in above and beyond any of the loose job descriptions and I was getting slagged off, not only internally but externally as well. I wanted out. Since I met this new girl, I had significantly cut back on night-time escapades, choosing instead to spend my time with her. It affected my personal cash flow. A lot.

My first real career break

One thing led to another and I managed to find another job as Financial Controller of a small company. It was a godsend. They paid right, gave the title but also expected the work to be done. Progress was not enough. Unfortunately their accounts were a mess when I got there. Nothing was reconciled in the system the way it should have been and I was so used to autonomy and things working just right. The system at my old job I had set up single-handedly and it worked really well as long as you reconciled your accounts on the daily.

I had applied for this one on a whim and gotten it just as quickly; another too good to be true situation. It had come as bit of a surprise to everyone, including myself. I hadn’t told the girlfriend about it and she seemed hurt that I would keep something so big a secret.

It really wasn’t – my day involved a lot of driving around (so I could easily sneak out for a couple of hours) and I had only emailed my CV in the night before, taken the interview the next day and was given the job on the spot – I was to start in a week. I told her the first opportunity I had – it didn’t go too well. She thought that something this big should have been full of excitement and foreshadowing but it just came as an abrupt change. It didn’t sit too well.

Starting this job was stressful. Making any transition this big was chaotic. I was not able to pay attention and needed someone there by my side. The girl was amazing throughout the entire ordeal, our relationship was on a bumpy grounds however. We were talking less and less.

My  normal “support network” didn’t have nice things to say about her either… too young, too quiet, too different, too everything you can think of. I trusted these people. The work stress put together with the nay-sayers fucked me up.

I turned even harder towards my vices. She had her licence suspended and I was insistent that she wouldn’t be left stranded, so I used to drive her home almost on the daily. Every now and again I would fall asleep and miss it… I’d kick myself so much for it.

It was just poor form.

This new job took a massive toll on our relationship. There was less laughing, less adventures, money was tight… It all added up. I turned to my old habits again- stoners always go home.

So let’s have a little overview:

  1. Maintaining two jobs (I told my old boss that I could still help out and I didn’t want to leave my friend without any support)
  2. Nay-Sayers – everyone I trusted
  3. Insane stress
  4. Increased use of vices
  5. Less laughing and adventures

Mix everything together, my anxiety shot through the roof. I was weirder than what I was like in high-school. I could put on a brave face at work, but outside? I was not a happy chappy. I needed help. I needed to unwind.

So glossing over the facts, my insecurities built up. A lot of it was internalised. The rest of it was taken care of with having my head in the clouds and shit-talking. I had another friend at the same time who also needed my help. Of course this ‘help’ came about in the form of drinks, drugs and junk food in the middle of the night.

Probationary period ended with the new gig and so did I. Enough was enough. I got out. I snuck my way back into my old job and just started billing again like I had never left.

Returning to Hell – Paying face and keeping one

Well… Shit. Back to square one. Two job opportunities that fell through. My ego was a shattered mess all over the ground. I took a deep breath and took it in my stride; smiling, pretending that it was all a-okay. I had developed bit of an alter-ego.

Alter-egos weren’t anything new to me. It was a little old-hat but I never had to pretend to be this happy. I mean, I had really big boots to fill – things were looking really good at the beginning of the year. It began with meeting this amazing girl, a holiday with family and I came back to a job interview that was meant to take me to Melbourne. It was a happy time. I was happy. Even after I didn’t get that accounting job I was happy – I got to come home to people I loved.

They couldn’t know I was struggling. I couldn’t return to being quiet and depressed all the time. I had wasted so much of my life feeling sorry for myself, feeling like a screw-up but things were different this time. I had her. How blind love can make someone.

I guess things were back to normal work-wise. The small break I had working as a Financial Controller had given my old job new life. We were pushing sales and I had networking events lined up.

The Girl? Well she was not happy. I had been really demanding of her. I had needed her almost on a daily basis and being the saint she is, she had obliged. I picked her up from work out of habit and routine and I couldn’t see that it was taking its toll. She smiled through it all and stuck by me. It was magic to have someone like that on my side.

It was all taking its toll.

She was not happy anymore. I blamed myself. The nay-sayers had ensured that logically I didn’t trust her, even though they couldn’t see how much effort she was putting in but not for a single moment did I not trust her on an emotional level.

Well…we both used Whisper, in fact that is how we met. She had her trollin’ stalk on that night.

The night we met, she was looking for her ex who was possibly meeting up with randoms. She was sure of it. What I hadn’t realised is that in the same breath that she had tormented him, she had also set her targets to me as well, mostly out of curiosity. Sometimes I knew and would play along, sometimes I didn’t. I would get stoned and bumble around on there while she was at work to kill time waiting to pick her up, unwinding, shit-talking.

Banter is banter. #Bantaa91

Being high let me say things I wouldn’t normally say. It let me entertain ideas that aren’t real and escape into a fantasy world. Whisper was meant to be a safe anonymous zone. Like a one-on-one chat room. I didn’t know that she was watching more often than not. Truth is all my best conversations were with her (and I was sure of it). What’s worse is that I think some of her friends were playing along as well. I figured I was anonymous and safe from prying eyes, a credit to my stupidity.

The first real red flag came around when I had the bosses car with me for servicing. It was parked in the driveway and I had always intended to pick her up in it but obviously the story I told on Whisper was very different, for good ‘bantaa’ you need to guide people through a rabbit hole. So when I rocked up and there was an uproar of laughter… I was confused. I figured it was just because she couldn’t open the door, not my lackadaisical ranting.

Shit talkin’ – the double-edged sword.

What did I say on Whisper that pissed her off so much? I would end up saying things the nay-sayers had put in my head, I would have “boy conversations” where I would make up stories about ‘banging that hot chick’ and I sure as hell would get my timelines all jumbled up. Some stories from years ago, some from months ago. All of them salacious. I’m no saint, and those mid-night escapades involved all types of people. I may not have many friends but I had built up a lot of acquaintances from all walks of life. I called them friends sometimes but I knew they weren’t.

I didn’t realise she was watching. She never mentioned to me that she knew or that people at her work possibly knew what I was saying or anything of the sort… or maybe she did by muttering under her breath something cryptic and in my haze I ignored it. There was a lot on my mind.

The Crazed Hufflepuff

So came the day. I hit it off with this girl. ‘The Crazed Hufflepuff’ she called herself. It was great. We got straight to the D&Ming like old friends. She told me she was unhappy in her relationship, that she wanted to leave, that there was another boy she liked as well. She said that the boy she was with was a really nice guy but she was worried if she left him that he might kill himself.

Well… to that I only had one response…

GET OUT. You deserve better. He’s not worth it.

She responded saying she couldn’t. He was kind and she didn’t want to hurt him. Now the nay-sayers I mentioned? Well some of them were in abusive relationships but just couldn’t see a way out. When I say abusive, I mean violent. Meet Mike* comes to mind. I have spoken to a few people like that on Whisper and I’d tell them all the same thing. Get the fuck out. You deserve better.

The Crazed Hufflepuff however didn’t have many friends. She didn’t know how to. I offered advice.

Lie. Cheat. Fake it. Do whatever you have to do.

It’s a line I used to drop all the time. I laid out a play-by-play based on the people she said she had. Of the few friends, one was about to start a new job at a fast food joint.

‘Perfect’ I thought as I ripped another cone.

You can borrow the uniform. Also add in heaps of people off Tinder and Whisper – my girlfriend used that to piss off her ex. It worked a treat. Leave him as shattered as he made you feel. It was a bit vindictive but he deserved it.

So somewhere between the uncanny resemblances to my own tattered depressed state of being and the boy she was trying to get rid of I warned her – just remember, this is a fatality. You’ll probably never be able to see him again. It’s a game over kind of play.

She still wasn’t sure. Maybe my plan seemed a little over the top, maybe I wasn’t being convincing enough. I know loving someone can have a stockholm syndrome kind of effect on people. So I gave a little push…

You know, I basically did this earlier this year. Faked a job and all that jazz. I just wanted out but I changed my mind.

I lied. I thought nothing of it.

It was a blatant lie. I would never have done that to my girl that had been there for me but there are situations that require drastic action… this guy doesn’t seem that bad but maybe she’s sugar coating it. This is just some random poor girl in a bad place she needs a push. If it isn’t that bad, the boy will be able to win her over again.

Obviously I am paraphrasing at this stage, I have no idea what I actually said. I was high.

After a few days of following up I got bored of it and thought nothing of it. I hoped she was alright.

The End Game

A few days passed and my girlfriend and I got into an argument, more me shouting. She wanted out. She wanted a break. I hesitated, I hated the idea. I had met her when she was on a ‘break’. There must be a new boy she wants to try. Now I will tell you this much. I loved this girl from the bottom of my heart. I have never loved anyone more. So all this made me angry, and angry-Wolfie is shouty-Wolfie, something I had only done twice before, but I knew on the day I met her that I promised to never yell.

I Yelled.

I spewed out every manipulative, hurtful things that the nay-sayers had put in my head. I didn’t even stop at this relationships issues but spat out every bad thing that ever happened in past relationships as well. I went as far as comparing myself to her ex (who I know she hated and wanted nothing to do with). It was bad.

Then like a switch flipped, something strange started happening. My Crazed Hufflepuff Game-plan started coming to fruition. I blocked it out, there’s no way that was my girl… I’m not suicidal and I may have had a hard time learning to trust her but I sure as hell did. You can’t feel this deeply about someone you’re using. I stormed out of there with one last phrase:

“You gamed your way into my life, now game your way out”

The Crazed Hufflepuff… She was my Girl. I was the bastard.

Worse than that, there was another guy in the Hufflepuff’s story. I was livid, I was hurt. This couldn’t be happening to me. Not me. I left her house that day feeling worse than I had in ages. She wants out, she wants someone else. I’m not enough. Whatever shred of my ego, my dignity, my self-worth was left was wiped out in an instance. I was pathetic, a loser. I had managed to push away the only person that ever loved me (or at least made me feel loved). Was I perfect? No.

Was I that bad?

Was I a Mike*?

In her eyes I was, and those silvery-blue eyes are the only ones that matter. The back and forth took months. Weeks of me trying to convince her not to go but the logical side of me knew she would hold her ground.

So…think boy.

You did this. You made this happen. You won her over once, you can do it again, right? Except this time, you are going to be fighting yourself. I have had my demons manifest but never like this. I know she cares about me, at least she said she did.

I had found the loophole in limbo and fallen through it. How do I recover from such a mess? Remember who you were when you first met? Be that person again.

It was time to play detective.

Another divide in my personality was created. Things we need to know:

Who’s the competition? That’s not going to be impossible, you taught her how to throw up a smokescreen (more so, you have seen her do it before). A huge part of the reason she liked you so much is that you always seemed to know her; always knew what she was playing at. I mean, I told her how to shoplift for a date, justified swapping cheap shoes, helped word ways to get rid of her ex… it’s time to put all of that to use. You know she’ll troll and stalk, that’s how you met. Whats the counter? Maybe there isn’t one. Maybe you should let this one go, but how could I?

This is the first girl I’ve loved that has actually made me feel something.

She’s perfect.

I can’t just concede.

E.V.O.L

When I met this girl there was a song by Slipknot that she liked. What rang true for her was this:

“So if you love me let me go
And run away before I know
My heart is just too dark to care
I can’t destroy what isn’t there”

This girl…she’s just like me in so many ways. I’ve never met someone so perfect for me.

Things have changed though. I am now the ex… that boy I helped her get rid of? The one that used to show up at her work unannounced? I am that boy now (although I avoid my local grocery store like it’s the plague)… and my role as her best friend? Someone else is playing me. They hold her heart just like I once did. I have to go… help her escape me. She’s having doubts and I feel like such a Mike* to her…

So play the part:

Be the monster everyone thinks you are.

No one expects much more from you.

For her happiness… Make this easy for her, you’ve lost people before. I mean she’s basically moved on already (right?). How many times did you think she might be cheating? Cheating probably not, but lying? Through her teeth. That hesitation before she delivers a line she’s practiced in her head… it’s a dead giveaway. I could pick up on it every time, I just never knew why. Usually it was to protect me from some reality of our life that wouldn’t sit well with me. I trusted her so I would let it slide.

Disappear boy.

Run like you are the Doctor, run and never look back. Go to Newcastle – I know you wanted to take her with you but you need out of Brisbane. You’re unstable. Just get the fuck out and lay low.

Newcastle

I won’t say much here except I have a really good friend down that way. I met him at the pub. He was a bartender and I helped him out. This should be the end of this story but unfortunately it’s not.

She called me.

I was hysterical. She was crying.

“You’re acting like we’re broken up.”

‘Sweetie… the crazed Hufflepuff wants another… you want another’ is what I should have said but I had been drinking on the flight and was well plastered before. I figured it was better to stay oblivious to the similarities. We all have our vices. You, dear reader, know mine.

I won’t lie. This should have been the end of it, but in her indecisiveness she gave me hope. Hope that maybe I was wrong. That maybe I was adding nine plus one and getting twelve. That it was just a game gone too far. I guess she didn’t expect me to leave the city so abruptly.

When I returned, her tune had changed. Someone had gotten to her. She was adamant that it would never work again.

I was torn. I thought there was a chance for us, she had deviated a bit from the crazed Hufflepuff play. In the embers of our demise, a candle was lit. A lit candle is a lit candle and does not go out until doused or it burns through the wax.

She wanted and needed a break…so did I.

Aftermath

If I can’t make her happy, someone else can. I’m just a loser. I spent months feeling that way.

Work got meh.

Everything got meh.

Welcome to my first major depressive episode in over a year.

Losing her was the lowest moment of my entire life. I hoped she was happy. We’d run into each other on Whisper over the next few months. She kept tabs on what I was doing (with vindictive reactions to the things I’d say).

It’s taken longer than it should have, but I got to grips with it…

I have never been there for a single birthday of hers. I sent her a message. After a few edits on her reply, she deleted the post altogether and proceeded to angsty reply to everyone else. I tried making conversation…she was still so mad. Mad at me? Mad at herself? Probably a combination of both. Everything I said pissed her off.

If I was such an irrelevance…she wouldn’t feel this way. I’ve burnt bridges before and I know how easy that can be when you aren’t emotionally involved. Through the trainwreck I did learn one thing: The Nay-sayers were wrong. All of them. They fuelled my paranoid delusions until I started doubting myself. The only truth left was this:

She Loved Me.

Past tense. So much so that it hurt. She was just as infatuated with me as I was with her. That’s crazy. In spite of everything, it’s the only truth left.

If ever find anyone as amazing as this girl ever again, I will know not to lose them, but the truth is this – I don’t think I can find anyone like her ever again, and I don’t want to. It’s taken many late nights, midnight escapades, an overdose and losing friends to come to that conclusion. It’s normally not this hard.

I may have squished in a glossed over version of every bad thing that happened but know this – for every shit event there are two-three amazing ones. It’s just sad that I don’t get to see her or talk to her but it’s a curse I have to live with for the things I said in an instance. I didn’t just lose a girlfriend, I lost my best friend (ever).

For her to be happy…I have to be a nobody. Just a story. I have to disappear and pretend that everything is just fine; that I don’t want her back because wanting her back in my life in any form is the opposite of what she wants at this stage. Will that ever change? A boy like me can only hope. I wait for the day she decides that we can be friends again. It might never come but the candle is still lit.

She deserves happiness. No one on this planet deserves it more than her. To hold her heart is to be the luckiest person on the planet. To see her smile is to be blessed. To make her smile is to be a king and the crown belongs only to whom she wishes to bestow it upon. I however get the memories. It was a short time but I have never felt so much for someone.

She was magic.

So…if you know this girl or have had the chance to be the object of her affection, do me a favour – Take her to New York one day (preferably New Years Eve), take her to New Zealand and show her Milford Sound, find a reason to travel absolutely anywhere and make sure she brings her camera. She is way more artsy-fartsy than she lets on. She deserves the world, good friends and wild nights. I just wish it could be me by her side.

-Wolfie